Does anyone else feel like their brain is their biggest enemy instead of their biggest supporter? I am so tired of overthinking and analysing everything that I am doing, and as a result just gaining more weight and then overthinking more and more – it’s such a vicious cycle!
I have spent so much time and money in the last 2 years trying to get to the bottom of why I have issues with food and why I continue to sabotage my efforts to be healthy and lose weight. I am at the point where I actually don’t trust myself to ever be successful or to even know what I am doing any more. My relationship with food is now so out of control I don’t trust anything I do. The constant stream of thought in my brain is about what I should and shouldn’t be eating: “what I am going to eat tomorrow”; “what I am going to eat next”; “what was wrong with what I just ate”; “why didn’t I lose weight today when I didn’t eat that badly yesterday”; “although I did eat healthy and maybe that salad dressing was what tipped me over the edge”; “or did I not eat enough and now my body thinks it is in starvation mode so can’t lose weight”; “am I not losing weight because I have no consistency”; “maybe I am allergic to gluten”; “maybe I have diabetes and that’s why I can’t lose weight”; “I need to stop drinking”; “surely I can drink as long as I have balance”; “I didn’t run today so I’m terrible and I’ll never lose weight”; “but I did do 10,000 steps so at least I am moving”;, “I wonder how much liposuction is and what the recovery time is like”; “Maybe Optifast” and on and on and on. IT’S EXHAUSTING!!!!
The only thing I have managed to stick to is being vegetarian, and it has now been almost 3 months. I do feel healthier and my conscious feels better for this life change, but I still weigh far more that I would like, my clothes don’t fit, I am self conscious and my life is obsessed with it.
It feels like a contradiction to everything I have said before, but tomorrow I am going to start Jenny Craig. I feel like I need to give myself a break mentally and having someone else completely control my diet is exactly what I need right now. I am trying to get control of, and change, so many things at once I can’t actually cope and am not making any progress. Mentally I can’t keep doing this to myself and I need some success. I did Jenny Craig 5 1/2 years ago when I lost my son and my marriage fell apart. I was about the same weight as I am now when my son was stillborn (that really hurts mentally now as I don’t have the excuse of being pregnant for why I am so out of shape), and trying to grieve my son, my marriage, seperate my life from my husband, sell the house, come to terms with a new future etc, having my food looked after so I didn’t have to think about it and lost weight so I had one part of my life being successful was a great result.
It’s taken a lot to get to this point and admit that no matter how much money I throw into therapy, hypnotherapy, tapping, exercise apps, books etc I can’t do it alone. I have made some great progress on “why” I have such an unhealthy relationship with food, but that’s not enough. I am going to go on Jenny until I get back into my healthy weight range, which will ideally be within 12 weeks as it is only about 10kg. I have some significant events coming up with a ball and my birthday wine tour and costume party, which is making me even more self conscious about my appearance – I want to be able to enjoy these things without the constant self sabotage and self doubt, and to have photos taken I don’t cringe over every time I see them. I want to be free from the mental mindfuck of food for a while and reset my body chemistry from a constant controlled diet, that I don’t seem to be able to do alone. Accepting this is actually pretty massive for me,
I looked at other food provided diets as I don’t love the fact Jenny Craig is so processed, but no others offer a vegetarian menu. This is only until I get back into my healthy weight range and then I will have build great other lifestyle habits to support my success when I go back to regular eating and I will be in better habits for how much food I really need and will have incorporated the correct intake of fruit, veggies and dairy etc.
I am going to work on being kinder to myself and focusing on my exercise to built a stronger, fitter, sexier version of myself and by taking pressure and expectation off in one area will really help.
xx
Everyday Vixen 